This article appeared originally in the Wall Street Journal Online (www.wsj.com)
A few years ago I was - like
some of you reading this - overextended, overworked, and deeply unhappy about
it. I was a young psychology professor desperately seeking tenure, with two
toddlers at home and a husband whose work kept him away for days at a time. I
exercised once a week on a good week, rarely saw my friends or extended family,
and couldn't remember the last time I'd read a book that wasn't about
statistics.
It was just too much.
Something had to give. And it did. I left my job, not knowing exactly what I
was going to do next. It was the toughest decision I've ever made, but it was
also one of the best.
As a psychologist who
studies motivation, I spend a lot of time trying to figure out why people give
up too soon when trying to reach a goal. But the truth is, a lot of us suffer
from the opposite problem: not knowing when, or how, to quit. We take on too
many projects and commitments, and end up turning in 10 mediocre jobs instead
of one or two stellar performances.
To be sure, quitting a job
may not be an option for many, but most of us surround ourselves with plenty of unofficial projects that may not be
worth pursuing.
So, why is it so hard to
throw in the towel, even when on some level you know you should? For one thing,
it's embarrassing to admit to others that you've bitten off more than you can
chew, or that you've made an error of judgment. No one likes to be thought of
as a "quitter." For another, quitting means contemplating the sunk
costs - all the time and energy that you've already put into reaching your goal
that you can never get back.
Of course, once you realize
that you probably won't succeed, or that success isn't worth the unhappiness
your project is causing you, it shouldn't matter what the sunk costs are. If
your job, your advanced degree, or your unfinished novel has taken up some of
the best years of your life, it doesn't make sense to give them even more years. That will only make you
miserable.
But that doesn't make
walking away any easier. So here's a simple game plan for cutting your losses.
At the outset:
- Figure out which goal has to go. It might be obvious, but
most of the time it won't be, so you'll need to really give some serious thought
to your priorities. What matters most to you? And, just as important, what
makes you feel effective and fulfilled? Anything that doesn't, might need to
get the boot.
- Be confident. You'll want to know that
you are giving up your goal for the right reasons, so ask yourself these two
questions:
(a) What do I need to reach this goal, and
can I get what I need? Look at the whole picture.
If successfully reaching this goal means more time and effort than you can
spare without sacrificing other important goals, you may need to walk away.
(Maybe you can't work 50 hours a week, spend time with your kids, and write
that screenplay, and that's OK.)
(b)Will reaching this goal cost me too
much? Will it make me unhappy? Sometimes the problem isn't
limited time and energy, it's that you really don't like what you're doing as
much as you thought you would. You find the process of reaching the goal
boring, frustrating, or unrewarding. Circumstances change, and it's OK for your
goals to change too.
Once you've made up your mind that
quitting is right move:
- Stop dwelling on the past. When regrets about sunk costs creep into your thinking, have a
replacement thought ready, one that focuses on everything you gain from walking
away and moving on. (Example: If I feel guilty about giving up on my unfinished
novel, then I'll remember how good it feels to have more time on the weekends
with my kids.)
-
Replace
the goal with one that does work for
you. To keep yourself moving forward and feeling satisfied with your
choice, give some thought to what you will do instead. If you just don't have
the time to write a 600-page novel, is there some other way you could express
your thoughts and creativity that you do have time for, like blogging?
-
Learning to know when to
fold 'em is essential for your well-being, and ultimately for your personal and
professional success, too. When you can give up on a goal that isn't working,
you'll be freeing up the valuable resources you need to make the most of the
goals you do pursue - the ones really worth pursuing.
